What REALLY Happened at the Ribahn River
by Asura Mori
Summary: Just another one of those crack fics that people type up in class cause they're bored. :D I thought it'd be great to make fun of the guys of Fire Emblem, because let's face it: Everybody gets paired up with everybody. It's just fun to poke at them.
1. Oh My God You Slept with WHO!

Asura: This is just another one of those cracks fics that happen when a person doesn't have enough sleep and is running on only soda pop. :D So, recently I got my sister to start playing Fire Emblem. Just a few days ago, I happened to be playing Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn and she had taken to watching me play. Well, I got to the scene where Ike and everybody is supposed to cross the river (you know, the one with the cool movie part?) and I suddenly looked at Tyrann and said, "I bet you those cats are just shouting over the river 'Your mom!'".

Of course, she busted up laughing and we made a joke out of it. Now, we've made a story of it. :D

Warning: Crackheadedness, abuse of character design, and extreme OOCness. Oh, and some mention of certain liaisons between male characters... muhahahaha. OH, and spoilers for those people who haven't gotten to Part 3 of the game.

Disclaimer: Don't own Fire Emblem, never have, never will. I also do not own any of its characters... and I doubt the people who made this game would make their creations act in such a way. Hehe.

Chapter One: Oh my God... You Slept with Who?!

By: Asura Mori

It had all started so simply. The Laguz Alliance had just been trying to cross the Ribahn River and get to the Begnion capital, when the Central Army had shown up. Ike couldn't believe it. Tibarn... had failed? It wasn't until later that they had found out about Naesala's betrayal and they all just kind of sighed.

Once a traitor, always a traitor. It wasn't anything new, thus held no appeal. In fact, the most interesting news to date was the rumor going around that Ike and Ranulf were sleeping together.

But as far as anyone knew, this was just a rumor... right?

"You're sleeping with that fucking cat?! I thought I was the only one!" Soren screamed at Ike, completely out of character, his dark hair rising dangerously around him as he summoned his wind magic.

"Now look, Soren. You're taking this way out of proportion. I only slept with him ONCE. Besides, you know you're the only one for me." Smooth-talker Ike stated, his arm wrapping comfortably around his tactician's waist. Soren let out a low sigh, slowly calming down and succumbing to his commander's embrace. Besides... Ike wasn't the ONLY one cheating, he thought with a smile. But Ike didn't need to know that, now did he?

0-0-0-0-0-0

Somewhere far away, in Part IV of the game, Stefan let out a little sneeze and looked around warily, his hand going to his blade. When he perceived no danger, he just shrugged and went back to sitting around in the desert, waiting for something interesting to show up. He just doesn't know that he's gonna be sitting there for a while. :D

0-0-0-0-0-0

Anyway, Oscar chose this moment to bust in on the two love birds, his mouth going slack at the sight of the two of them. He glared at Ike accusingly, his normally squinty eyes growing even more so. "You told me that I was the only one for you, commander!" The knight growled, making Soren turn around to look at Ike, his red eyes hard.

Ike's screams were audible throughout the encampment... yet no one went to check up on him. Apparently, everyone else had known that the fickle commander was sleeping with everybody. Only the ones involved hadn't. How ironic.

Ranulf sighed as he listened to Ike's screams, a small smile on his face. So... Soren and Oscar had finally learned the truth. Wait until they knew about Shinon. Laughing silently, the Gallian walked back to his tent, grinning as he saw the above mentioned archer waiting there.

Ike wasn't the only one playing everybody. Reyson, Tibarn, Naesala, Ike, Soren, Oscar, Shinon, himself, even Zelgius, all of them were playing somebody. Heh.

Let's see... Ike had been sleeping with Soren, Oscar, Shinon, and Ranulf.

Soren was sleeping with Ike, Stefan, Naesala, and Zelgius.

Oscar was sleeping with Ike and Kieran (lol, imagine THAT).

Shinon was sleeping with Ranulf, Gatrie, and Ike.

Reyson was sleeping with Tibarn, Naesala, and Janaff.

Tibarn was sleeping with Reyson, Naesala, and Janaff (but they were all cool with that, because they could then have a four way).

Naesala was sleeping with Reyson, Tibarn, Janaff, and Soren.

Ranulf was sleeping with Ike, Soren, Shinon, and Zelgius.

And Zelgius...

Man, he was banging EVERYBODY.

It was just common knowledge. Ranulf was surprised that it had taken Soren, Ike's fucking tactician, this long to figure it all out. After all, every rumor has a bit of truth to it... This rumor just happened to be extremely accurate. Chuckling, Ranulf wrapped his arm around Shinon's shoulder, ignoring the pointed look the archer gave him, and led the redhead into the tent.

Oh well, at least everything would get interesting from here on out. Still chuckling, Ranulf pulled the blanket over him and Shinon. Nobody needed to know all of the dirty details anyway... well, at least about him and Shinon. Speaking of which...

The lantern in the tent was doused, the tent itself 'mysteriously' rocking back and forth for the next hour or so...

To be continued...

Asura: After much consideration, I've decided to make this longer than one chapter. I mean, I know it was short, but there's only so many people you can have Ike or anyone else sleeping with. I was tempted to throw Sothe in the mix... but I'll leave that alone... for now. :D

Anyway, read and review please. I want to know what you all think. Should I continue this fruitless endeavor... or should I just quit while I'm ahead? Hehe. The next chapter has more to do with the Ribahn River. This story was kind of a "eye of the hurricane" thing, where everything is supposedly calm. I don't really get it myself, sadly. Oh well. Read and review... Or Ike will become impotent forever!!! LE GASP!


	2. What Did You Just Say!

Asura: Man, I completely blanked out when trying to write this chapter. I forgot what it was about… for about five seconds. :D It didn't help that I've been playing a lot of different games in one sitting… let's see, I think my record is six different games in one day. Me, I just can't play one game for too long, so I usually switch to another. Yesterday it was… Legend of the Dragoon, Legend of Zelda, Gears of War 2, Super Mario Sunshine, Final Fantasy 9, and Harvest Moon. Man, I need a life…

Anyway, here's the second chapter of WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT THE RIBAHN RIVER. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: … Didn't Fire Emblem come out before I was born? Then how the hell am I supposed to own it?

Warning: Read the first chapter. It's essentially the same.

Chapter Two: What Did You Just Say?!

By: Asura Mori

Throughout history, the cause of war has always been because of someone else. What they don't tell you in your textbooks is that it is almost always because of some weird reason, like sugar prices.

In this case, at the Ribahn River, it was all because of someone's mother. Or the insult of someone else's mother. Yeah, this war actually started a couple of months before the confrontation at the Ribahn River. In fact, it started at a tavern in Crimea… with Zelgius and Skrimir. Why they were there… nobody knows.

_~Flashback Time~_

It had been a really long day and Zelgius was really fucking tired. But first, he needed a drink, something to get that copper taste out of his mouth. The blood that was circulating throughout his mouth wasn't from any injury… well, not from one caused by another person. More like it was caused by him biting his own tongue, so as not to cuss those stupid ass senators out.

He knew it was all part of the plan, but that didn't stop him from wanting to kill the ignorant assholes. So he bit his tongue. And now he was going to get a drink… cause somewhere, way up high in the never-ending abyss called the sky, that made sense to him.

Why it was a tavern in Crimea…? Well, he was bored of Begnion. Goldoa, Kilvas, Phoenicis, and Gallia were just out of the question… and he really didn't want to be seen in Daein at the moment. After all, he was Begnion's top general and had helped to destroy Daein just three years ago…

No need to stir up old resentments… for the moment.

So Crimea it was. He sat down at a table near the bar and motioned to the bartender, wanting something akin to hard whiskey. Anything to get that copper taste out of his mouth... anything to dull his quiet fury at the idiotic squabbling of the senators. I mean, who gave a fuck about who owned what and who owed who money? It was all just fucking nonsense…

A commotion near the entrance drew his attention then and he turned to see a group of Gallians standing in the doorway, the leader a big, barrel-chested redhead. Zelgius recognized this Laguz as the only son of the great Lion King, the one and only Skrimir… a hot-tempered and hasty fool, if ever Zelgius saw one.

The General couldn't help but laugh as Skrimir pushed a beorc, causing the man to fall. A fight was bound to break out… But no, the blunette Laguz had stepped in, putting out a hand to stop the Lion Prince. Zelgius recognized this Laguz as Caineghis' right-hand man, Ranulf… who had also been present in the Mad King's War three years back, assisting Ike in the battle to reclaim Crimea…

How very dull.

He knocked back his drink with a neat flick of his wrist, never taking his eyes off the small group of Gallians. Ranulf was helping the man up, apologizing for Skrimir, but the man wasn't having any of it. The beorc was gesturing at the Gallian Prince, his mouth moving with furious speed, most likely insulting the Laguz.

Suddenly the man was flying through the air, landing in a heap on the ground near the bar. Skrimir's face was as red as his hair, humiliated and angry. The Laguz strode over to the man and picked him up by the scruff of his shirt, ignoring Ranulf, who was trying to stop him.

The Lion Prince swatted the blunette away easily, causing him to hit the wall rather hard. He was out in seconds. Skrimir pulled his fist back as if to punch the beorc that he was holding, and Zelgius knew it was time for him to step in.

Begnion's finest general stood, placing his empty glass carefully on the table, and went over to where Skrimir stood, his hand reaching out and grasping the laguz's wrist, stopping the other man.

"Is there really a need for this?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. Skrimir glared at him, taking in his armor and build, before shrugging the general's hand off. "Back off, beorc. This man insulted my good mother's name and I will not stand for it." He growled, baring his fangs and making the man whimper.

"It's not as if I don't understand, but… well, he can't really fight back, now can he? Why don't you fight with someone who can actually hold his own… someone like me, for instance?" Zelgius answered quietly, but firmly, his hand finding the redhead's wrist once more.

Skrimir bared his teeth at Zelgius, showing him how he felt about the general's suggestion. Zelgius, who had hoped negotiations would actually work, let out a sigh. And then Skrimir was flying through the air, shock just barely registering on his face before he crashed into the wall near the entrance… and going straight through it and out in the night.

"This is a thing I like to call 'negotiation denied.'" Zelgius sighed as he came out of the bar, his sword drawn and by his side. "It's not what I wanted, really, but you were just being so… difficult."

"What business is this of yours, Begnion scum?" Skrimir spat, leaping to his feet and facing off against the General, "You and your corrupt senate need to keep your damn noses out of Gallian affairs."

"How right you are." The general agreed amiably, tilting his head to consider the Laguz in front of him. "But sadly, politics never work out that way."

"Fuck you and your skirt-wearing beorcs. Especially that damn Sephiran!" The Lion Prince snarled, changing into his beast form. He didn't notice the dark look that passed over Zelgius' eyes, nor the dangerous lilt that entered his voice.

"Come then, you ignorant beast, and face my blade. You shall not walk away unscathed after such a statement."

"It is you, beorc, who shall not walk away."

Regardless to say, that battle NEVER took place. Ranulf woke up just in time to stop all of it, explaining to Skrimir later that Sephiran was actually on the Laguz side. Of course, by the time the incident at the Ribahn River happened, it didn't matter anymore.

And Zelgius had never liked Skrimir since… all because he insulted Sephiran, his Master and secret lover. :P

To be continued…

Asura: Been a while since I updated this… Huh. Anyway, hope you liked it. Read and review please.


	3. What ACTUALLY Caused the War

Asura: Referring back to Chapter One ever so briefly, do you all remember that joke about the whole "your mom" thing? Well, that's coming into play this chapter. :D Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Don't own Fire Emblem as in didn't create it. As for owning the games themselves… hell yeah I own them!

Warning: Mentions of "your mom" … wait, not your moms… Fire Emblem's ppls' moms… insert foot into mouth…

Chapter Three: What Actually Caused the War

By: Asura Mori

Seriously, it all just started out as a camping trip. The Gallians didn't even want to go to war… they just wanted to camp! But then the Begnion guys had the same idea… and they were camping on the other side of the river. Now… when two countries are at "war" and have the same idea, to go to the same place, of course tension's gonna be high.

And so… stuff likes this happens.

Skrimir was just setting up his camp, with Ranulf by his side, when he spotted him. That damn general from the tavern, Zelgius. Now, Skrimir was still a little sore about Ranulf interfering in the battle, having wanted to knock the blunette general to his knees in one blow and all, so seeing said general here… well… it didn't help his self-esteem any.

He turned on Ranulf, eyes glowing with fury. This time… there would be no interruptions… And then he had a brilliant plan. He snickered, turning his back to the blunette cat so that his attendant wouldn't see his evil grin.

It was time to start a war.

After telling Ranulf that he was gonna go check on the men and that, no, he didn't need an escort, Skrimir practically ran to find his rowdiest soldiers. They were still up, thank the goddess, and he quickly went over to join them, scrunching his nose as the smell of alcohol hit him.

Perfect, they were all drunk.

After a few more drinks (he needed them almost completely wasted, or this just wouldn't have worked), Skrimir finally set his tankard down and made himself look depressed.

One of his men picked up on it quickly. "What's wrong, sire?"

"Ah, it's nothing." He waved his hand, but the look remained and his men persisted. So finally, he told them. "It's just… well, I heard some Begnion soldiers commenting on how it would take really manly women to birth men beasts like us…"

"OH HELL NO!" The cry went up immediately and the Gallian soldiers jumped to their feet, calling their comrades to battle. Skrimir smirked at how easy that had been, and his grin grew even wider when Ike came running, his tactician hard on his heels.

The tactician, Soren, actually interested Skrimir, and not just because of his skills in planning battles either. In fact, the Lion prince would have done almost anything to get the raven-haired man alone… but Ike was always around him… except of course when he was sleeping around, but still… It was really hard to find Soren alone…

He sighed and then listened with great intensity as Soren laid out the battle plan. This was gonna be great…

0-0-0-0-0-0

Skrimir grumbled, sitting on a cliff overlooking the battle. This was not great. How was he supposed to fight Zelgius from up here? Hell, it was Ranulf who was gonna be fighting Zelgius… damn it all…

From down below, cries rang out… and one that Skrimir expressly heard was…

"YOUR MOM!"

"NO, YOUR MOM!"

And he couldn't help but grin. It was good to be the prince, he thought, just as rocks and petty insults started to fly through the air.

To be continued…

Asura: And that, my friends and dear reviewers, is what caused the war at the Ribahn River. :D I think there will be one more chapter and then this "story" will be done. And that next chapter… lol, well, it's gonna be about what made the war end. Fun times all around. Hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Review please.


	4. How the War Ended

Asura: And here is our thrilling conclusion to What Really Happened at the Ribahn River. It's been a fun journey, though a short one, and I'm thankful to all my reviewers. Right now I'm actually working on two one-shots for Fire Emblem, but they appeal more to the girly crowd, as they are yaoi, or guy on guy, fics. So I apologize to any reviewer that doesn't like that kind of thing. :(

Getting back on track, here is the fourth and final chapter of WRHATRR. Enjoy. :D Thank you again.

Disclaimer: Yeah… you think if I owned Fire Emblem, I'd actually have my internet. I don't, thus I do not own Fire Emblem cause I'm too broke to actually be that awesome. Lol.

Warning: Parody of the fight at the Ribahn River… which I'm going to later turn into a one-shot… but that's not the point. :D Mention of yaoi-ness, but no real scenes, tent-shaking, and all around weirdness and OOCness. Also, some of the talking parts might be a little off, but it's been a while ppls, so give me a break. Much love.

Chapter Four: How the War Ended =D

By: Asura Mori

This parody takes place during the movie part at the Ribahn River, with all the awesome action of Zelgius and the Laguz. Enjoy. –

Skrimir looked down upon the battlefield, a fierce smile on his face, as he watched the exchange of petty insults between his men and the Begnions. Lingering shouts of "Your mom!" still flew through the air, as well as rocks, but the real battle was just starting to begin.

His advisor and somewhat friend, Ranulf, stood by his side, an exasperated sigh escaping him. The Lion prince looked over at the cat, eyebrow arched in question, but Ranulf just shrugged. No way was he about to get into it with the lion Laguz.

And as usual he would be the one to clean up the mess. Goddess was he tired of being the diplomat and fixing Skrimir's mistakes.

"Are you ready?" Ranulf glanced over at Skrimir and nodded, not bothering with a real answer. He already knew that most of this war was probably the lion's fault… especially the whole "Your mom!" incident. It was something he would expect Skrimir to say and only reinforced his opinion on the whole matter.

The cat flinched a bit when he felt talons close down around his shoulders, but otherwise showed nothing of his discomfort. "I hate flying…" He muttered, clenching his teeth as he was lifted into the air.

The hawk that was carrying him let out a cawing noise that sounded oddly like a laugh and Ranulf almost smacked himself in the head. Damn hawks and their good hearing. He turned his head slightly and let out a little hissing noise, but the hawk just continued to caw. Rolling his eyes, Ranulf attempted to get as comfortable as possible. It was gonna be a short ride, but a hellish one.

0-0-0-0-0-0

Zelgius watched the fight from his command area, trying not to laugh at the stupidity of it all. Sounds from the fight echoed across the river, sometimes carrying with it a sudden outburst of "Your mom!" and only serving to reinforce the need to laugh. It was just so… idiotic.

The general blinked then and turned slightly, feeling a distress call from the Senators. One of his soldiers saw him looking around and asked "My lord?" but he just waved him off. "It's nothing. I'm… needed elsewhere."

The blunette started to walk off to go and help the Senators, but paused and looked up, just as a bunch of cat Laguz dropped from the sky. One of the cats was one Zelgius recognized: Ranulf.

And he couldn't help but grin as Ranulf sauntered towards him. "Well, well… look what the cat dragged in." Ranulf stopped, glaring at the general. "Okay, that was lame, even for you." He growled, popping his knuckles. Zelgius lifted a finely arched brow, wondering at the sudden hostility.

"Oh, confused are we? Well let's see… you and Skrimir started fighting at the tavern… and now you guys are fighting again… why wouldn't I be pissed? I mean, it's not like we tried to avoid a war or anything… now did we?"

And Zelgius couldn't help but laugh. "You want to avoid a war, dear cat? Well, then, be diplomatic. Offer me something I can't refuse." Ranulf let out a sigh, already knowing where this was going. He looked at his men and cocked his head quickly to the side, telling them to get lost. The other cats looked at each other, muttering, but quickly made themselves scarce, leaving the general and the Laguz advisor alone.

Zelgius started toward Ranulf, taking off his gloves, but the cat held up a hand, scowling. "You don't expect me to just start stripping here, do you? I like the feel of grass just like everyone else, but for this? Oh hell no."

"Would you rather I take you back to my tent?" The blunette general grinned impishly, reaching out to caress the cat's face. Ranulf drew back, hissing and glaring, making the other man laugh. "Fine, we'll do it your way, but…" He drew off his cape and threw it over the cat's head, like a cloak, "You'll have to wear this… unless you want my men to see you coming to my tent like some docile female?"

"Ugh, only in your dreams, beorc." Ranulf pretended to gag, pulling the general's cape tightly around his head. This was going to so embarrassing…

0-0-0-0-0-0

Zelgius paraded the cat through the camp, thoroughly enjoying the laguz's discomfort. He made sure to pull Ranulf close, ignoring the hiss sent his way, and continued to look grim and commanding. One of his subordinates came up to him, trying not to smile, and asked if he would be leaving the field for a short time.

Ranulf just wanted to die when the blunette said yes and felt his face flushing in embarrassment. He hid his face against Zelgius' chest, not caring that it gave the general satisfaction to see him so insecure. This was not his element and it made him somewhat scared.

And then they were moving again and Ranulf felt like throwing up. Yeah, he and Zelgius had done this before… but not to stop a war! And it had been consensual before… now he felt like some kind of prostitute, selling his services to get something in return… damn it all…

They were in the tent. How they had gotten there so fast seemed unreal to the cat, but it was too late to dwell on those kinds of matters. He looked up at Zelgius, who had already started stripping, and let out a sigh.

Might as well get this over with… ugh…

He started to lie back and accept his fate, before suddenly sitting up and grabbing the general's arm. "Before we do this, you have to promise that you'll call off your attack and give me and my people three days to get away. All right?"

Zelgius seemed to think about it for a few seconds, then shrugged. "Very well. No more talking now. Let's just enjoy this."

And that's when the tent started rocking, much to the appreciation of Zelgius' men, who started cat-calling and yelling.

0-0-0-0-0-0

The war was finally over, but Ranulf would never feel the same. Ike was looking over at him with a worried expression, but the cat just waved him off, wincing with the motion. Damn that Zelgius… at this rate, he'd be limping for a week… damn it…

But at least the war was over… right…?

Poor Ranulf didn't even realize the futility of that hope.

FIN!

Asura: And that's all she wrote folks. My parody has come to an end. I didn't get to add Sothe into the mix, but that's a tale for another day. :D Maybe a one-shot that I'll write later… muahahaha.

By the way, has anybody else noticed that there are really no Zelgius x fics? I mean, besides him screwing Ike or Sephiran… or the other way around. Heheh. Being disappointed in that, I feel like writing another fic… lol… muhahahaha… anyway…

Thanks to my reviewers and their lovely reviews. You all inspired me to continue this fic for as long as possible, but now… it has sadly come to an end. Thank you and all… Have a nice time… and please read and review… cause even though this is the end… I still like reviews? And cookies? Yeah… reviews and cookies… mmmmm…


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